Actively Trying: Don't Stop Winning Your Spouse

My husband and I have been together since 2008! We both had recently come out of failed marriages. My first husband was abusive in every way. His first wife was verbally abusive, lived like an unbeliever, and rarely cared to be home, let alone a wife. Needless to say, we had baggage! A ton of it! Each!! We have been through the alot.

Often during the times of misunderstanding and hurt, we'd lash out at each other instead of fulfilling our calling to be one. It was during one of these times that I was trying to smooth things over and wrote my husband a very effective email that he held onto all this time. He recently shared it with me. I'm going to share portions of that email with you all today.

"Dear Husband,

As I was going through my bible studies today this one in particular kinda jumped out at me. I know you and I have been through a whole lot of really tough things in the time we've had together. I believe that most of the things that have caused so much strife in our life together stems from hurts that have happened to us both individually, and we brought those hurts, and fears into our union. We are two imperfect people who had negative events transpire in our lives that left us wounded. It has taken all this time for me to realize that I don't need to bring the past into our present, or our future. Though we may be two, imperfect, wounded, individuals...God has brought us together. He has determined to make us one. One that heals the other half through prayer, and Christ like love. Though we both have our individual thoughts, will, emotions, we can come together in unity when we both focus all of these on Christ. And make an extreme effort to show His love to each other. I know things between us may not always be perfect. I understand there are sometimes that you really don't like me, and vice-versa. But I know that you are committed to me. I hope you know that I am committed to you too. From now on, when we have conflict, I would like it if we could think back on these few things, I'm about to share with you, and realize that it's okay if neither of us is right, as long as we are united.

1. Don't stop praying for each other.

There have been times that I have been so mad at you that I actually told God I was done praying for you because you were just too stubborn to allow Him to make a change in you. I feel horrible for ever saying that, but it's true, and I don't want to lie to you. I said it, and then I started writing down my conversation with God. Through that, He let me see that praying for you is really all I can do to change the negative things I don't like about you from time to time. HE showed me that through this He can work. Whether I think He is or not. Whether I think you're listening to Him or not...He alone can change the hearts of men.

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." --James 5:16.

Even when we're hurting, we can't stop praying for each other. It is in the confessing and praying that the healing happens. It's in the praying that power is released. I write my prayers for you down (a lot of the time), if you ever want to see them, I'll show you.

2. Don't hold a grudge.

This one has been particularly hard for me, as you well know. I have a tendency to lick my wounds. To keep them fresh. I think that I do this as some sort of self-defense. To remember that I was hurt and determine not to let my heart continue to be hurt. God has really been working with me on this though. And I am so thankful that He is. A wound can't be healed if I keep on licking it. I have to learn to let things go as soon as they happen. And remember that I am in no way perfect, so I shouldn't expect perfection from you. God has forgiven me, and God has forgiven you. We have no need to hold on to something that the Creator of all things can't even remember! Grudges are by definition, a persistent resentment towards a person due to pain and hurt. That grudge can grow and fester until it bleeds even more hurt into our marriage. It's humbling and it's hard to say, "I feel right, but I'd rather be one--together--than right." It's hard, but the Holy Spirit is the over comer of hard things.

"And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." --Ephesians 4:30-32

3. Don't say no to making love.

This one will probably make me blush. Now just so we're clear, I'm not talking about wild, raunchy, sex! But making love. We shouldn't say "no" to the pursuit of making (creating) love in our marriage. Physical intimacy is about coming together. It's the coupling, the connecting. Taking your time. Holding each other close. Feeling each beat of your heart, close to mine. Feeling the way God intended for two to become one. You can "make love" by making me breakfast in the morning or paying the insurance...But that is far different from creating a space to physically connect. It results in different emotions, a different appreciation of each other, a different level of unity. One that we won't share with anyone else.

"The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise, also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement, for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But this I say by way of concession, not of command." --1 Corinthians 7:4-6.

For many this verse can be hard and controversial. The word authority throws us for a loop because most people (myself included for a time) have negative associations with the term. The idea of someone else having authority over our bodies is hard because many (again, me included) have had people abuse their bodies, misuse them, and claim them. It wasn't a gift given or an offering. It was taken. Yield means "to give". When I give you the physical gift of my body, I give it to you to use as you please. It brings me joy to see you delight in it. Again, this is hard (sometimes). Sometimes I am still afraid you will misuse my willingness, or make me feel used, or maybe even hold the scripture over my head as a means to take what is yours. But God steps into our marriage and tells us we need to give our bodies to each other as Paul writes, "by way of concession, not of command." We give our bodies as an offering of love and unity to each other.

4. Don't underestimate the God inside your spouse.

This one is really something I think we both could benefit from. Since you've started teaching, I have seen how much God actually speaks to you. Sometimes I just think you're too hardheaded to hear him. I know you've thought the same of me. Sometimes God just shows up in a situation through an action you may do or myself, that is completely out of context for the situation. Like when we are in the middle of an argument and without explanation one of us just walks up to the other and holds them until the anger passes. We can't afford to underestimate how God speaks to each of us. We can't underestimate the level of intimacy the other has with our Creator, nor his ability to use us individually in any circumstance. You don't know just how "in-tune" I am with the Holy Spirit, as I don't know the same about you. Even though at times we both may feel there is somewhere the other is lacking, we can't underestimate the relationship each of us have with God individually.

At times you may make a decision based on your own thoughts, and then take time to pray about it, and it may not line up with my thoughts...I may in those times feel that I can't trust your decision. But I can trust that if you've consulted God then you are speaking out of His guidance. We have to remember to believe in each other, to trust that we are searching the Scriptures for guidance in our walk together. To believe that we each listen for God's voice in a situation. Refer back to number 1: Don't stop Praying!

"That Christ may make His home in your hearts through faith."--Ephesians 3:17.

When we first believed, Christ came to live in us. We can limit Christ by ignoring Him and then He cannot be fully expressed or glorified. And even though we may feel like the other is ignoring Him, we can still believe that God is sovereign! He possesses the ultimate power, and He can and will work through you, and He can and will work through me.

5. Don't stop speaking life.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof." --Proverbs 18:21.

We can speak life over each other, not calling out one another's flaws and imperfections, frustrations and weaknesses, but calling out the gifts and the goodness that God has deposited inside each one of us. We can speak hope and life and faith over each other instead of death, darkness and destruction. It can be something as simple as, "you always remember to make the bed Hun." "You always encourage me to walk by faith in what God has done and is still capable of doing, and not telling me to not get my hopes up." Or when I say, "You always make sure the bills get paid." "You are doing an awesome job searching the scriptures for a message to give on Sunday morning." When we complement each other's strengths, rather than call out imperfections we empower each other to be at our personal best. When you compliment me on my abilities, it empowers me, and encourages me to want to do more...to go above and beyond...because I see that you believe in me.

There's a saying: "As we each take steps closer to God, we inevitably take steps closer to each other." It's like we're on opposite sides of a triangle--as we move up the sides, we move closer. As we move up and look up, we get closer. And He keeps us--keeps our marriage--happy, keeps it sacred, and keeps it hopeful and peaceful even in times of pain and growth.

I am so thankful for all He has accomplished in you, in me and in us as a unified body. The road hasn't always been smooth and straight. But I know He's working in us. I trust that the days ahead of us will be so much more meaningful than the days past. I can see a bright tomorrow, with you. Hand in hand we started, and hand in hand we will finish.

I love you Hun! I hope this message will encourage you throughout your day.

Always yours,

Alisha"

There you have it. A simple email, but it definitely made a difference in our marriage. I hope you glean something from our trials to help you during yours. Remember, Be Blessed by Being a Blessing!